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Life after Eva: Day 29
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To keep characters straight when they are speaking to themselves in their dreams the character themselves will retain their name, the character in the minds of others with be noted with a prime. Ergo the Asuka in someone else’s or perhaps another version in her own mind will be Asuka’. DAY 29
Asuka swam dazedly in and out of consciousness. Her head hurt and a dull throbbing pain was emanating from several places on her body. At one point she found herself in her pilot chair, confronted with the scowling visage of herself. The Asuka in front of her was perched over the control stem that rose from the floor in front of her. "So, you had to have Shinji rescue you again." Asuka’ stated flatly. "And I thought that you could do things for yourself. You should have seen how smug and satisfied he looked when he was taking care of you." "That is not true. Shinji would never be that way. Besides, I was just taken by surprise, I could have done it myself if I had been more ready." Asuka said trying to defend the boy. "You don’t sound very convinced. I think that you maybe wanted him to rescue you. The helpless little girl who can’t protect herself. She is always injured, and tries to act so self-assured. But she can’t be her own person." Her words tore deep into Asuka’s ego. She could take care of herself. She did not need any rescuing. Shinji might care for her, but she could defend herself. But she could not push him away. She really did enjoy his company, and she did not want to be alone any more. But the seeds had been planted. She worried that she might actually be weak. NO! She was strong, and she had shown that on many occasions. She did not need to punish Shinji for being noble enough to take care of her when she found herself off balance. But she had not been off balance. She had been beaten. She had just let him do all the work, and had not stood up for herself. Asuka’ watched as her words and accusations took their toll. She did not want to be left behind because of some stupid infatuation with this boy. Then Asuka found herself floating back to consciousness. Her head hurt again, the pain returning, but at least she was back in her room. Shinji was awake and looking at her when she opened her eyes. They took a moment to focus, and she turned her head to see him. Her eyebrows drew down to hood her eyes. "Asuka? How do you feel? Does it hurt bad?" The worry showed plainly on his face, as he leaned over her. "Well, well. The invincible Shinji. I had wondered where you had gone. Always saving the day against all odds. Don’t even think that you did me a favor by fighting off those dogs. I could have and would have had you hadn’t stepped in." The venom dripped from her voice, and Shinji backed away momentarily as he wondered about the Asuka in front of him. She was even more like the old Asuka than she used to be. Contemptuous and cold hearted. Shinji looked at Asuka in wonder, his mouth agape. He had not seen this coming. But as Asuka turned her nose up at him, he surprised her as well. He narrowed his eyes, finally angry. He usually did not get angry at her, but he had been so worried about her, and she wakes up and treats him like this. Shinji’s face reddened and Asuka watched him ball a fist up, and for a moment she was afraid that he was angry enough to hit her. She knew full well that her words had hurt the boy, and that she had shown him no gratitude for his quick action, that had probably saved her life. The look that he gave her was frightening. It was not just angry but furious. That she would say something like that to him after the past month that they had been through had totally taken him by surprise. It was proof enough that you could never understand someone totally.
Asuka felt many things about what had happened. She was amazed at her own actions as much at Shinji’s. She had no right to act like that toward him. She regretted her impulse to scorn him, but she held onto the lingering traces of that emotion wondering about it. What was the overwhelming compulsion to treat him as inferior? Why did he have to dominate like that? She lay back listening to the pitter-patter of the rain on the window, and the sound of trees swaying back and forth in the wind. Even though she had been unconscious for most of the previous night, it had not bee restful, and in only a few minutes, she was swallowed up by sleep, descending into the darkness as before.
Outside, Shinji stood in the rain. It was calming somehow. Maybe it was the cold of the water, or the randomness of the noises. He was still angry. It galled him that she could be so heartless. He had thought that she had left that behind, had become someone who could accept people’s kindness for what it was. Instead she had tricked him. She was still the spoiled girl he had known, conceited in that she thought that she was too good for anyone. Frustrated, he banged his fist on the railing of the porch, splashing the pooled water off of it.
Asuka opened her eyes to find herself back at the apartment. She was sitting at the dining room table staring across at herself. Asuka’ had a slight smirk that she flashed at herself across the table. Asuka sat glowering at her alter-ego. "So who the hell are you, that you
think that you can tell me how I should act?" "Well I don’t need you anymore. I did find something better, and I like it this way. I am happier with Shinji than I ever was alone, even if he is still shy and kind of spineless. At least he is honest with me. I don’t want to hurt him like this." "You didn’t enjoy it? That familiar warmth; the knowledge that you are above him? You should not have to let anyone do for you what you can do for yourself. You deserve better than him." "I think that he and I are pretty good together. At least better than I would be alone. When I woke up on that beach, he was there to get me out of the weather and bandage my arm, and cook dinner." "Aww, the little married couple-" Asuka’ was interrupted as her more emotionally centered counterpart abruptly stood and swung at her, connecting evenly with her jaw. "I don’t want you, I don’t need you, and I never want you to interfere with me any my business again. What I do is for me to worry about." The girl on the floor found that she could not deny the power of the words. If her primary ego did not want her interference, she was no longer welcome. She melted into nothingness showing one last defiant look to Asuka as she went. Asuka sat back down wondering how it was that things could be so definite with something so indefinite as feelings and emotions. How could she quash an unwanted past ego like she was a real person? Where these personas of her self what she had heard Shinji talking about? The Shinji in her mind and whatever? She was the Asuka in her own mind. And Asuka’ was the remnants of the old Asuka? Had the transubstantiation of Third Impact done this to her. Allowed for the incorporation of waste ego? Regardless she had dealt with it. When she woke up she would have to find some way of fixing what she had done.
Shinji sat motionlessly in the comfortable chair that was aimed out the window. The rain fell in sheets over the lake. This day was markedly colder than the previous ones. That not only due to the weather. Shinji had thought several times of leaving Asuka here to her righteous self. It would serve her right to find only loneliness at the end of her gloating attitude. He heard Asuka's door creak open and softly close behind her. He was silent with his back turned to her as she walked up behind him. For a moment he was afraid that she was going to hurt him. To her thinking, his saving her was an insult. And she had only one way of dealing with things like that. Instead her hand rested on his shoulder. "Shinji?" It was almost a pleading request for attention. "I should not have been that way for you. You rescued me, and probably saved my life. You worried over me, and did your best to fix me, and then I threw it in your face. I never wanted to be mad at you. I just had some trouble figuring out what to think about it." Shinji looked up and smiled at her relieved that she was behaving like her recently normal self. He liked her this way. She was understanding and articulate. She could talk to him as an equal. She circled around in front of him, and took his hand, pulling him up into an embrace. She could not let him think that this was an act. Asuka realized that for Shinji to leave her would be a devastating blow, and she was surprised to find that it was not just due to her own fear of loneliness, but she dreaded the thought of being without him too. And here she had put that in jeopardy. She hugged him tightly despite the pain in her arm and leg, breathing into his damp shirt at his shoulder. "Please say something, Shinji." Shinji liked the way Asuka felt. It was warm, much as he had remembered his mother’s similar embrace. He was acutely conscious of her arms circling around his sides, and resting in the small of his back. He put his own around her, and whispered into her ear. "You feel good Asuka." That was all he could really think about at the moment. She snickered a little, and replied. "You feel good too. I am so sorry that I acted the way I did. It won’t happen again." The rain outside drowned out the rest of the whispered exchange that they shared.
Shinji's watch read 4:30. Bleary eyed, he looked outside. It had stopped raining, but had remained overcast. Asuka was still on top of him. He had lain down in the easy chair, propping the legs up and laying back so that Asuka could hug him. She was presently straddled across him, nuzzled into the base of his neck. However, looking down he found that he had a great view of… He looked away. She was not wearing a bra anymore. Asuka was lost in Shinji’s warmth. For a day that had started out with so much pain and anger, it had turned out alright. She knew that Shinji was looking at her almost exposed breasts, but that was of little importance. Let him look. Shinji rubbed his hands up and down her back, patting her every now and then. From now on, they would have to be a little more careful when outside. It had not occurred to him that without people, animals that had been domesticated would turn wild. While there was no direct evidence that the dogs that attacked them had been owned by anyone before, he realized the possibility. They would need to get some kind of protection. The obvious answer was guns, but he did not know the first thing about guns except firing really big ones like the pallet rifle and plasma sniper rifle in Unit 01. But where would they get guns anyhow? There might be a JSDF post nearby. They would surely have weapons. Maybe even a variety of stuff to choose from. At the moment the only thing that really mattered was the red headed German on his chest. Asuka raised her head, and looked at Shinji. "What is it?" "What do you mean?" "You moved a little like you wanted to get up." She smiled a little. "Oh. I was just thinking. We may want to think about getting some guns or something. I can’t be carrying a wrench around everywhere I go, you know." He smiled back. "I think you should smile more often you know?" Asuka shrugged a little. "I have had more to be happy about recently than before." She backed off of him, standing up. The pain of her injured leg and the stiffness of her knees from kneeling straddled over Shinji was terrible, but it was worth it. "It could have waited. You did not have to get up." They were ready to go in about 20 minutes, and once Shinji identified the JGSDF post for their part of the prefecture, they drove off in the electric company truck to retrieve their motorcycles. If it had still been raining, Shinji would have just left the motorcycles at the power plant. The rain would have been too painful, as well as cold. Once they had the bikes back they made for the JGSDF camp. It was only a few miles outside of town. The Japanese Ground Self Defense force was nothing like its special ops counterparts. They had a few armored vehicles and less sophisticated equipment. But it was not for these things that they had come. It took a little searching, but finally they found the arms room. Unfortunately the door was locked with a large steel padlock with a huge casehardened steel sheath over the hasp, making it very difficult to cut. Within the admin area they found a key rack with a hundred or more keys, and set about looking for the one that would open it. None of them did. Then they found a safe next to the commander’s desk labeled "Controlled Keys" in red. There was a key labeled the same, and within a few minutes they had the safe open, and a wad of keys that surely were meant for the arms room. A long skinny key opened the huge lock on the door, and once inside they found stacks of gun racks each one lock secured. There were M4 carbines, Steyrs, M9 pistols, as well as a few M249 SAW light machine guns. "Whoa." It was quite a selection of firepower. All in all they would likely be shooting most things at close range, so the M9 pistol made sense. But there was the possibility of going hunting in the future, so they would need a good high-powered rifle. "Do they have any bullets in here for these?" Shinji asked turning around. Asuka was already digging through a metal locker that was backed against a wall. Sure enough there was a metal ammo box with some bullets in it. "Rounds." She corrected when she found it. "Ok, rounds. How many in there?" He unlocked one of the racks, and swung the locking bars out of the way. "Want to fire one a few times before we take it? Try before you buy." "Hmm there are about 120 rounds. Sure. Are there any magazines around?" There were a few in the desk to their right, and within a few minutes, they had 10 rounds loaded in 2 magazines. Stepping outside, they took their respective M-4s and put the magazine in. Shinji fired first. Or rather he clicked. Turning the weapon over in his hands, he tried figuring out what had gone wrong. "Hey. You have to pull back the charging handle. Like this." She pulled back a handle located just in front of the buttstock, and released it with a satisfying cluchunk sound. "You have to load the first round yourself." Shinji mimicked the action, and was rewarded with the same sound. "Where did
you learn that?" He rotated the selector from SAFE to SEMI, and tried again. The weapon fired, and bucked in his hands a little. He had expected a lot of kick. The weapons in the Eva were quite strong, and they had a disproportionate amount of recoil when fired. It was also very loud. His ears rang, and it was hard to hear a little. He fired off several more rounds, getting used to the feel of the gun. Then
Asuka took her turn. When they returned to the arms room, they decided to take a
couple of the pistols too. There was no telling when they might need them. Also
they collected the remaining rounds in the ammo can, manuals for both weapons,
several magazines, and some odds and ends for both the M-4s and the M-9s, and
stowed them in the saddlebags on the motorcycles.
Once they arrived back at the house, they parked in the garage and went inside. They had gone most of the day without food, and Shinji did not really feel like cooking. Fortunately they had found some snack items at the local grocery. Shinji read highlights from the weapon manuals detailing normal capabilities, function and maintenance while Asuka ate. They sat on the carpeted floor stuff strewn about. "Wow, it says here that cyclic rate of fire is 800 rounds per minute. That is a lot." "Not really. They have guns that can fire much, much faster. Of course 800 rounds a minute is more than enough for me. We aren’t going to be in pitched battle or anything." Shinji shrugged and kept reading. They would need to go back the next day and get cleaning supplies. According to the manual it was not a good idea to fire a dirty weapon. They could go and pick that up in the morning, and be back with enough time to trip the circuit breakers on the houses around them. There was no need really to do anything to the transformers when you could cut power to the house at the breaker box. They were both thankful that they had managed to get the power going again. Shinji was amazed that it had been as easy as it was. He realized also that he may have inadvertently helped Asuka to feel the way she had this morning. He had been taking charge for a while now, and it seemed to him that he was leaving her behind. "Asuka, you want to go back tomorrow? We need to get a few things. I had not
known to pick up a cleaning kit." "Yeah, one a lot like that. I didn’t know you got one." "Well there are some things you just don’t know about me." Her nose wrinkled and she winked at him. "Oh yeah? Like what?" Shinji put the book down. Was this flirting? It was meaningless banter, but he was having fun. "Well that would be telling, and that is no fun. Some things about a woman should never be told." She looked away, but watched him out of the corner of her eye. "Well how about… if I… TICKLE it out of you!" He sprang at her, toppling her over, and sitting above her, fingers digging lightly into her sides. "How do you like that?" Asuka laughed until her sides hurt, and she finally managed to get Shinji to stop. He was smiling down at her from above. She breathed deeply trying to regain her breath. "Asuka. I… I want to tell you something, and I don’t want you to be mad ok?" He looked at her plaintively now, his smile fading. "Ok. I promise. You can tell me." Her tone growing serious. "I know that you probably don’t feel this way, but I hope that you can understand. Ever since we woke up back there on the beach I have liked you. And that’s not to say I never liked you before, but you are different now. I would like to think that you changed for me. I have tried to be the kind of person you want to be with. And… I guess what I am trying to say is…" Asuka put her finger to his lips. "Shhh. It’s OK. You don’t have to." She knew what was coming, and it was
exciting, but frightening at the same time. What do you say to something like
that? How do you wrap your mind around something that big? Asuka swallowed hard. He had said the L word and there was not much that she could do about it. Did she love him? She knew that she liked him well enough, but for being 4 letters, love was an enormous concept. She had tried to comprehend it many times, and it had totally eluded her. That someone would like you so much that they would want to be with you forever? She had never really had a family, and she had toyed occasionally with the notion that Shinji could be her family. But life is not picture perfect like that. It would be nice if she could just tell him that she loved him too, and they could be like a family. But what would that mean? She couldn’t think. She was hot, and frustrated, and she did not know what to say. "Shinji… I don’t know what I feel. I am not good at this sort of thing. Being open I mean. You are going to have to give me some time to figure it out for myself. I guess… I can accept that you love me. But right now I don’t know what to think." She sighed heavily, and hoped that what she had said did not hurt him. It would be her luck that she had just shattered the frail relationship they had been building. Shinji was a little disappointed. But Asuka had not outright rebuked him. She was unsure and rather than tell him what he wanted to hear and then realize later that it was not true, she wanted to explore her feelings and tell him truthfully. He smiled at her, and nodded, and hugged her tightly. "I will wait for you. I am sorry that I had to say that." The irony did not escape him that they were in the same relative position as when they had awoken on the beach. Only now embracing, realizing a relationship. He smelled her hair, and loved the way it smelled. When Asuka realized this is what he was doing, she smiled a little. "OK Third Child. That is about enough of that." "Could I ask you a favor?" Shinji said as he rose up. Asuka nodded. "Could you not call me Third Child anymore? I never really liked being a pilot, and I don’t want to be reminded of that life anymore than I have to be." Asuka understood and nodded again. He had that right. She had seen some of the things that he had witnessed when her mind touched his during Third Impact. It had been frightening. He had released a lot of pent up anger and frustration during that time, and she still had not fully understood all that had happened. But the point was that he was no longer the Third Child. "Asuka?" "Hmm?" Shinji paused for a moment. "Do you remember when you were in the hospital?" "I remember going there, but I don’t remember being there really. Why?" She tilted her head, wondering where this was going. "I just wanted you to know something." He paused again, trying to figure out
how he could tell her. She was going to be angry any way she looked at it. "It
was after I had killed… the seventeenth angel, and I visited you in the
hospital. I had hoped that you might wake up while I was there. That would make
me fell better. I think I just wanted to talk to you. The way you were, you
could listen, and you would not be angry at me for saying what I had to." She had no idea. "Anyhow, I wanted you to wake up, and I don’t know how it
happened, but I saw you naked, and I just… and…" The understanding part of her grappled with the idea, and to a degree it grossed her out. It had happened, and there was nothing that could be done about it now. Shinji was obviously sorry for it, but that did nothing to rectify the situation. She felt violated. And in a very un-Asuka-like move, she forgave him that. She had been depressed before, and had come very close to killing herself. This, when you think about it, is even more of a perversion. No sexually perhaps, but nonetheless it was taking something that was beautiful, and making it terrible. "Shinji. I don’t want you to think that you got away with that. But it is
just not something that I want to think about right now. I have enough to figure
out to last me a while. Right now, I think it is late, and I think I want to go
to bed. I am sorry that I could not tell you what you wanted to hear earlier,
but sometimes one person is ready to love before another." "Good night Shinji. I like you, and I hope that you can live with that for now." When the door closed behind her, Shinji was grateful. He had worried for so long that he would never be able to tell her about that. He was ashamed that he had done it, and the only way he could feel any better about it would be to confess it to her. As he wandered to his room, he rolled her words over in his head. <"sometimes one person is ready to love before another."> She might love him yet. She would be only the second person that had told him that they loved him. He was glad that it was her. She was exciting and vibrant, full of life nowadays. And he had a thing for that red hair too. The sound pouring out of the shower almost drowned out Asuka humming. She was
singing some foreign tune to herself, and Shinji listened to the sound of her
voice for a few moments. The splashing water stopped after a few minutes as
Asuka stepped out of the shower. Kaji had told him that love by its very nature is not a definite thing. It doesn’t have rules. There are no pre-qualifications. And there was really no denying it. If it was going to happen, it would happen. And it could do it without warning. The bathroom door opened, and light spilled out into the now dark hallway, then it abruptly shut off. "I’m sorry I can’t answer you Shinji. Sweet dreams." Shinji lay there and wondered what the next day would bring him. |
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